I literally itch.
But, I don't write... not anymore. I ruined that for myself.. Sometimes I feel like it was all my fault, most of the time I realize it wasn't. But I can't help but think of this blog as something.. raw, exposed, mortifying....... What was my safe place.. became my illustrated downfall..
Look at the time that's passed....... River is 3 years old. Willow 7 (in less than 2 weeks.) ... Sky 8. I've been a mom for EIGHT years... I'll be 28 next month. That's absolutely crazy. I'm still Kristen, the same exact Kristen, and yet.. I'm nothing like "Kristen" ... Whoever that was. The original Kristen died a really horrible, really excruciating, really public death.. But sometimes, I still see clear glimpses of her.. in the background.. Usually via an inner monologue..
I think like most moms, I have a hard time seeing myself existing outside of my children... Burying whatever dreams I once may have had, or the things I wish I could do, behind the dreams I have for them. They're perfect. Completely without fault. Without regret. Without, "Could haves," and "What if's." 3 perfect blank canvases...... Everything that will be, might be, or could have been for them, weighs so heavily on ME.
So who are these 3 small, still completely perfect, extensions of myself... At least, who are they at THIS moment?
Sky is sensitive. And kind. And desperate for approval... acceptance. He wants to be EXACTLY what you want him to be, and he hasn't yet fully realized that he'll never be exactly what everyone wants him to be.. but he's had glimpses.. And those glimpses CRUSH my sweet, still so innocent, little guy... Sometimes, I call him Eeyore, though he's also the ultimate drama queen.. Anything slightly bad that happens, is the WORSE thing to EVER happen in the HISTORY of the entire Universe. On the flip side though, the good things.. Those are the very BEST things to EVER happen in the history of the entire Universe. He's my polar opposite.. And I love him SO very much for those differences. He's special. He's never going to fully fit in to the "norm" ... or to what society wants to call the "norm" ... And THAT, is what makes my Sky, perfect.
Willow..... Is a firecracker. She's an old soul, a REALLY old soul. She's witty, and she's smart, SO smart..... She's ME. As much as I don't always understand Sky, I do understand Willow.. Which is why she pushes EVERY single one of my buttons. She's an artist, in every sense of the word. She's eccentric, and passionate. Passion oozes out of every part of her, especially out of angry Willow. I like to call angry Willow, "Lucifer." Once you've ignited "Lucifer," you've met my beautiful nightmare... My beautiful nightmare is contrary, feisty, and ANGRY........ But passionate, always passionate.. "Lucifer" is easily ignited when Willow is overtired, she doesn't handle lack of rest well.. And if Willow wasn't so truly myself, "Lucifer" would probably get the best of me.. But I understand "Lucifer" as I understand Willow, as I understand myself. Willow's eccentric, artistic passion, and even "Lucifer.." Is what makes her perfect.
River is my wild card. She perfects the "treacherous threes." I mean, she read the definitions, took notes, and PERFECTED them. Like Willow, she's SMART.. Like Sky, she's sensitive.. Hurt her feelings, and she'll say, with HUGE eyes full of alligator tears, that you "broke my heart!" She LOVES to dance. Crank the music, let her grab your hands and dance with her, and she's the happiest she could EVER be. She's the "baby." And she fits that roll well. She knows how to play her sister, her brother, her daddy, and her mom to get EXACTLY what she wants. She's the cute one. She loves the car, and errands.. She's happy as could be ANYWHERE, but home. This one, is NOT a homebody like her momma.. She too, is absolutely perfect.
But who, am I? The first thing I'd tell a stranger, is that I have 3 children. On one hand, it opens up conversation, due to shock value... Apparently, even with my crazy life, I look significantly younger than I am. But on the other hand.. Why do so many of us mothers, define ourselves by our children? Am I a good mother because I cannot see beyond my children? Or was I never as strong of a personality as I thought I was.. because I can't see beyond my children..
